My journey with my eating disorder began when i was aged 13. My Nan passed away; I didn’t know how to cope and i fell into a hole I couldn’t get out of. Long story short, i began going to the gym 2 times a day for 2 hours each, every single day no fail. I stopped eating completely. I managed to convince myself i couldn’t do any harm, that what i was doing to my body and mind was okay, somewhat justified.
Very quickly, i managed to justify to myself that limits weren’t an option.
Then, one day, my gym life came shattering down. I displaced my knee and was on crutches, bed ridden for a good few months. This was the moment my disorder became a depression, it was an addiction. An addiction of starvation.
I became addicted to harming myself, addicted to feeling numb. The self-punishments got worse and worse.
Honestly, it would require a whole novel to go into full detail about my journey from A-B. So instead, I thought it’d be easier to list my main habits and addictions that caused me so much grief And for anyone out there struggling or just wanting more information, keep an eye out for these following signs if you may be worried about someone.
- Constant need to go to the gym (Major panic and self destruction if not.)
- Obsession with body image; looking in mirrors, analysing weight.
- Constant negative self talk. e.g. I’m so fat, I hate myself.
- Food Separation: I would never eat any foods together, every type and colour had to be separate. If not, I would have a panic attack, not eat and burn out.
- Binge eating and bulimia.
- Not eating with other people or in public spaces.
- Avoiding any area ‘food’ related.
- Unusual diets and periods of starvation.
How did i overcome this?
Through many years of therapy, self discipline, physio and increased knowledge in health and diets, i managed to slowly but surely beat my disorder. Don’t get me wrong, i can still have moments where i need to separate everything, or feel anxious in restaurants, but i can cope with that now, by putting my headphones in for example, or distracting myself with conversation.
The most important thing i want to come from this, is to raise awareness. Eating dissorders come in many shapes and sizes, just like our bodies. We need to look after ourselves and eachother, help us love ourselfs.
And enjoy your life with limited burdens.